


We Had to Believe in Something

by sharkily



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Daddy Issues, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:20:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22583941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkily/pseuds/sharkily
Summary: “I want you to be out of the house within the week.” The almost casual tone in which Richard Simmons Sr said it was what jarred him. He expected shouting at least, or a screaming match between the two, broken dishes, anything. The anticlimactic nature of his father kicking him out stung more than expected. Not that he’d been expecting it. But it made the most sense, he guessed. Why waste energy on a waste of space? They’ve had their fair share of arguments over the years, so why would they need to dirty their hands further with a finale? A magnum opus of years and years of contempt and disappointment being thrown back and forth.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	We Had to Believe in Something

**Author's Note:**

> I love angst.

“I want you to be out of the house within the week.” The almost casual tone in which Richard Simmons sr said it was what jarred him. He expected shouting at least, or a screaming match between the two, broken dishes, anything. The anticlimactic nature of his father kicking him out stung more than expected. Not that he’d been expecting it. But it made the most sense, he guessed. Why waste energy on a waste of space? They’ve had their fair share of arguments over the years, so why would they need to dirty their hands further with a _finale_? A magnum opus of years and years of contempt and disappointment being thrown back and forth. They hadn’t actually fought in months, he couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough to relax, to think that maybe, just maybe, his dad had come to terms with the fact his son was useless, and just wouldn’t amount to the likes of his brother, or his father for that matter. That he’d been okay with it. He blinked quick forming tears out of his eyes, and felt that familiar bob in his throat that he was sure would make anything he had to say sound pathetic.

“B-before or after graduation, sir?” He was right, his voice was watery and wobbly and pitiful. He opened and closed his fists over and over again, a combination of anger and desperation itching to get out.

“Of course after. I don’t care if you’re out Saturday or Sunday, but anything here by Monday gets thrown out.” And with that he left the room, his statement final. He could almost laugh. At the timing, his gullible nature, his father’s succinctness in the ordeal. The last few weeks of his senior year had been some of the best he’d had, and he was so _stupid_ to think it’d stay that way. He’d spent senior ditch day with the chess club, and they had actually invited him. A girl with long mousy hair that hung off her right shoulder in a neat braid had approached him before day of.

_“Hey, you’re Dick right?” He jumped at the voice that seemingly appeared from thin air, hitting his shoulder on the open door of his locker in the process. He winced and brought his hand up to rub it._ _“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” She remorsed, eyebrows drawn together in concern. Her thick glasses frames were bright purple he noticed, with little heart accents on the sides. Quickly forgetting the bruise forming on his shoulder he focused on her, trying to smile in a way that said “I’m normal.”_

_ “Huh? Y-yeah that’s me. And it’s fine, don’t worry about it. What’s up?” The only conclusion he could come to as to why this girl came up to  _ him  _ and not the other way around was that she needed help with an assignment or something. He recognized her from somewhere, so figured they probably had a class together. _

_ “I’m Sally, from the chess club. Your name is on the member list and the club is organizing something fun for ditch day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at a meeting, but we’re trying to invite as many people as we can for maximum fun.” She talked really fast, and even though she seemed nervous, she also seemed genuinely excited about whatever it was they were planning. He immediately felt hesitant, but couldn’t deny that he was thrilled he was being invited to  _ something _. He knew he was only being invited for the purpose of having more people, and because he signed up to be a part of chess club this year thinking he’d actually be a part of something for a change and then never went to a single meeting and forgot about it. He was going to go, like for sure, and whether it was because he’d never been invited to a single thing in high school until this moment, or because a cute dorky girl invited him was up in the air. But he couldn’t just agree right away, what if Sally thought he was creepy? Or he gave away the fact that he was a weirdo nerd that hardly interacted with anyone but his teachers? He had to approach this as someone cool, someone personable. So basically not himself.  _

_ “Oh, uh.. What are you guys planning?” Okay so far so good, a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. _

_ “We were gonna go to the lazer tag place downtown, you’ll have to pay for yourself but we’ll have a lot of people so there’s a 10 buck discount.” She says matter-of-factly, an eager smile tugging at her lips. She had bright purple brackets on her braces, he noticed. He’d never been to lazer tag, his father didn’t have the time to take him when he was younger. He sort of forgot about it, and it never occurred to him that people his age enjoyed that kind of thing. Well, if it was anything like the video games he likes to play in his spare time, he’d probably enjoy it. _

_ “That sounds fun, I’ll go.” He smiled, without thinking about it this time. Sally beamed and clapped her hands in front of her. _

_ “This is great! I’ll text you the details as I get them but so far everyone was thinking noonish,” She handed him a small piece of paper and turned around, taking a few steps before spinning around to face him again. “Thank you, Dick! I know it’ll be awesome!” And with that she vanished into the crowded hallway. _

She was right, it had been awesome. Even though no one knew him at first, he recognized a few faces from his classes and stuck to what he knew. He found out that Harry Gregors, his classmate of four years with whom he’d never had a meaningful conversation, was the dungeon master for a DND group that met every Wednesday, and Dick was invited to go to the next session. He talked to Hannah Seluda about Star Wars for a while, and was pleased to find that she  _ also _ hated the prequels. And without knowing her outside of the hallway invitation, Sally Parks had stuck with him the whole time, providing friendly conversation throughout that day. About seemingly random things, like his favorite restaurant, his hobbies, his favorite TV show, etc. He had an awesome time, with people that might be his..friends now? He thought he might be too quick to jump to that title, so he was trying to stick to  _ acquaintances _ in his head. Everyone got pizza afterwards, and exchanged contact info if they didn’t already have it. Harry suggested they start a new DND group, and either he or Dick could be the dungeon master. Nothing was set in stone yet, but he was feeling happy about these new developments.

Until today. He could always count on his father to take away his happiness. 

He hadn’t moved since his dad left his doorway and closed it behind him. He was still... processing. Dick had never been particularly materialistic, but his dad had given him four days to get everything he owned together and out of the house. That probably wouldn’t prove to be the hard part. That would take him 3 hours tops. But the reason his dad was giving him until Sunday was probably so Dick could scramble to find a place to stay. That was going to be the hard part, that’s what most of the time he’d been given would be spent doing. And he had no idea where to start.

He took a long, deep breath that shook on the way out. Then another, and another, and another, until his breaths weren’t long and deep but short and shallow. He hunched over on the floor and grasped at the carpet, feeling the shaggy threads slide between his fingers. His chest felt like a balloon that kept inflating and inflating and wouldn’t-couldn’t stop except for the small inhalations his lungs would allow. Hot wet tears spilled down onto the shag carpet below, and small sobs tore from his throat. He knew from experience this would subside eventually, and his brother wouldn’t mention the embarrassing sounds he heard through the wall, and his father would just give him a look that said he  _ knew  _ the train wreck his son was and always would be.

* * *

Graduation passed by in a blur, and the only time he really tuned in was when his name was called. He felt like he was watching himself walk up to the podium, shake the principals hand, accept an empty diploma holder, smile for the school’s camera, and then back to his seat. After the ceremony he’d said goodbye to his teachers, and many see-you-laters to the friends-acquaintances he made in the last few weeks. Harry asked if he was going to go to the meeting next week, Dick said yes, and told him he’d already rolled a character. He hadn’t. He probably wasn’t going to see anyone here for a long time after today.

When he was finished visiting with everyone, he started to make the trek towards his car. He mindlessly reached up to pull the tight cap off of his head, and dangled it by the tassel. He stared blankly at the asphalt in front of him, and when he was within 10 feet of his car he looked up. Richard Simmons sr stood in front of the driver side door, posture immaculate as ever. Dick instinctively stood up straighter at the site of him. He’d scarcely seen his father since he’d told him to leave, just when he left for school in the kitchen. And he never said anything. Looking at his father now, he couldn’t discern his expression. Mostly blank, with a hint of...something. 

“Dick.” His father greeted him curtly. Dick nodded.

“Sir.” He mirrored. Dick was still, hardly breathing in fear, or anticipation? His emotions were so prominent and all happening at once, it was hard to single out one specific feeling. He had no clue why his father was here, he hadn’t expected him to attend. His father took a breath, then sighed.

“I wanted to let you know, this doesn’t have to be a permanent thing. Letting you experience the world first hand will show you I’ve only been trying to prepare you for it.” His words were clipped, an undertone of frustration laced within. Dick opened his mouth to reply and was cut off. “I know you don’t see it for what it is right now, Dick. But you need to know that what you are,  _ right now,  _ is perverted and wrong. And I won’t allow it in my home.” He stepped away from the car, walked past him, and without turning around said, “Goodbye, Dick.” And he left. 

Dick swallowed and watched his father leave without so much as a wave, and let a silent tear roll down his cheek. He got into the car and left.

* * *

Dick Simmons woke up early on Sunday morning and loaded two boxes into his car. He went back inside, up the stairs, past his room, and stopped in front of his brother's door. He and Jonathan had never been close, but they had never fought either. And it felt wrong to leave without saying anything to his 13 year old brother. The door creaked open slowly and Dick stepped inside. Jon was asleep, curled up in his Avengers sheets. He approached the bed, and was about to wake him up. He stopped himself just before he could touch his shoulder. He didn’t know if it was because he was a coward or what, but he couldn’t bring himself to wake his brother up. He looked around the room and his eyes landed on the desk. He was in front of it before he knew it, and quickly located a blank paper and a pen. 

_ Hey, I’m gonna be gone for a while. Not sure how long yet, but I have to fix something. I left my math notebooks in my room in case you need them, and anything that’s left in there you can have too. Tell Jacob I said bye, when you get the chance.  _

_ Be good, _

_ Dick _

He folded the letter and placed it on his nightstand, and when he left that time, he didn’t come back. He drove for a long time, no real destination in mind until he drove past a billboard he had never paid attention to before.  _ Volunteer today! Be a part of something bigger.  _ It was a simple billboard. But he jerked to the side of the road so fast he was lucky hardly anyone else was out on the roads tonight. He’d never thought seriously about joining the military before, but now, he wondered how he didn’t think about it sooner. A structured schedule, food provided for him, and there would be no time or excuse to think about his  _ problem. _ He added the phone number to his contacts and pulled back onto the road, eventually stopping in a parking lot when he felt he couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer. 

The next morning he woke up feeling sore, a kink in his neck, but with a resolve that had found its way into his stomach, replacing the cold dread that inhabited it just the night before. He called the phone number almost immediately, and within 15 minutes was on his way to the recruitment center.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably going to be nonlinear and jump around the timeline quite a bit, but it's all about Simmons coming to terms with being himself, and that it's okay to be himself.


End file.
